The Great Can Wait
November 5th, 2011 § 2 Comments
You’re on my mind a lot lately.
Yesterday while I was pinning a jacket onto a mannequin in the window of my store, I thought whether or not you’d be wondering what I was doing. I also wondered if maybe one day I’d be doing the exact same thing and you’d telephone me at work just to see how things were going, and asking what time I’d be finishing up.
Today I stayed in bed for the better part of a rainy, dark morning and read a book, and wondered what you would be reading if you were there with me. You would be reading, wouldn’t you? I was thinking that you would probably ask me about the book I’m reading right now–memoir, creative non-fiction–and you’d politely turn your attention back to your book, all silence and a smile, because you prefer fiction.
There’s so many things I know you would understand better than anyone. You would understand that at 27 years old I have a sincere insecurity pertaining to the fact that I have never had a serious, long term relationship. When I make jokes about it, you laugh and play along with me because it’s the kind thing to do, but you make sure to put your hand on my knee every time so that I’ll know you aren’t planning on going anywhere just yet without anyone having to say it.
I stopped thinking about you tonight while I was making dinner-for-one because, of course, I don’t actually know who you are aside from an idea that I have. As I was chopping garlic–I love garlic, it has to be said–I started thinking about this past weekend. A Halloween weekend spent in the company of friends, disguised as Where’s Waldo? (If you’ve ever seen Waldo with a vodka soda in his hand–that’s my interpretation of Waldo). Before we go any further, don’t even get me started on the irony of dressing up as a character that is perpetually lost in the crowd and looking to be found.
At my friend Laura’s Halloween party on Saturday night, Waldo (read: me) found himself in a corner talking to a friend about relationships. As I answered the question that those of us who are single know all too well–”No I’m not seeing anyone”–I made a joke at my own expense about how I date a lot of really attractive guys, but it never seems to go anywhere or work out. Instead of being met with the typical “You just haven’t met the right guy” response, a question was posed that threw me off guard: “Do you think it’s something to do with you or is it the guys you’re dating?”
The conversation, oddly enough (not), sort of fizzled out around there because the party lured us both back in–but I’ve been thinking about it ever since. It’s easy to attribute failure in potential relationships or on bad dates to the other person, but really I haven’t been on many awful dates. Usually I meet up with a guy, we have a nice dinner or a few drinks, share a few laughs, sometimes we even have a great kiss (or many) and it just sort of fizzles out from that point on. Afterwards if anyone asks about how things are going, I usually say something along the lines of “He wasn’t interested” or “we didn’t have much in common”–but what if the truth is that I’m just not interested?
There’s a reason I think about you from time to time, and that’s the reason I’m content to wait it out solo. With you it won’t be thought about–it’ll happen on its own, unforced, organically.
And, when that day comes, and you come across this–you will absolutely give me an eye roll before you turn the computer off and offer me the very last Pizza Hut breadstick.
Love this and couldnt agree more!
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